Tag: Relationships

Book Review: The Mastery of Love

“The only way to master love is to practice love. You don’t need to justify your love, you don’t need to explain your love; you just need to practice your love. Practice creates the master.”

A friend of mine recommended this book by Don Miguel Ruiz, said it changed their relationship which was fascinating enough a statement for me to check it out. 

This book, also boasting as, “A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship,” was quite a read. I highlighted so many strong takaways and nuggets of wisdom. 

“The whole world can love you, but that love will not make you happy. What will make you happy is the love coming out of you.” 


Essentially Ruiz focuses on fear-based beliefs and assumptions that sabotage love and cause drama in out relationships.  He discusses control, accepting & loving ourselves to love others and how perfection leads to self-rejection. 

“Whoever wants to suffer is welcome to suffer, but we don’t have to suffer.”


There are three masteries that guide us towards happiness, freedom and love. The Mastery of Awareness, the Mastery of Transformation and the Mastery of Love which is the result of achieving the first two masteries. 

“If you go into a relationship with selfishness, expecting that your partner will make you happy, it will not happen. And it’s not that person’s fault; it’s your own.”


I will say some parts at the end gave me pause when Ruiz tries to solidify examples through character stories from ancient India and Toltec tradition but other than that, I was tracking along with a great deal of what he was saying. 

“In the end that is what we are looking for: to find ourselves, to be ourselves, to live our own life, instead of…the life we were programmed to live.” 


I can see how this book can positively impact a relationship. I have already used some of the key wisdom points in my own. 

“When you hear your heart guiding you to your happiness, then make a choice and stick to it.” 


Communication and the desire to understand our significant other can help us elevate one another in love. We practice love. We are able to be vulnerable, open and honest without fear. 

“The relationship you have with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you reject yourself then you will make the assumption that the other person will reject you for the same thing you reject in yourself.” 


You are what you believe you are. Be love for it’s what we all need most. 

Right to R.E.A.L Love: How to Make a Relationship Last, Episode 3

Here it is! The final episode of my series on the Right to R.E.A.L Love radio podcast.

In this episode, Jay and I wrap up our discussion to address the question: What can we do to ensure that our relationships last?

We leave you with these key takeaways:

1. Why our relationships can only be as healthy as we are

2. Ways to make a relationship last

In this episode and episode 2 we talk a little more about resources and books that can be helpful to couples.

Supporting your partner in the relationship you commit to is so important. You should do everything you can to learn about your significant other. You can lean on each other and learn from each other to make your relationship last. I am so happy to have the right kind of support in my relationship. Our great love and friendship for each other keeps our bond strong. It feels amazing to be so confident in what I have and who I share it with. 

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Be sure to also look up these books we mentioned during the series that can help you.

1. A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex, and Conflict by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

2. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman

3. Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage by Dr. Myles Munroe

4. Understanding the Purpose and Power of Men by Dr. Myles Munroe. There is also a counterpart book for Understanding the Purpose and Power of Woman.

What other relationship books would you recommend? Please leave a comment below and share with us what has helped you.

Whether married or not, there are key relationship lessons to learn and take with us in life. This podcast was aimed at singles but does not mean married couples cannot gain knowledge or insight. I have heard many times from married people that the best time to prepare for marriage is before you’re married. I’m certain life does not become easier just because you’re married. Same as it’s not necessarily a walk in the park if you are single and dating or in a long-term committed relationship. No matter the stage or time put into a relationship, it takes work.

What are you bringing to the table and what do you need your partner to bring to the table to make your relationship last and your love grow deep and wide?

Hopefully during this series, my first radio podcast, you learned something and gained some insight on how to make your current or future relationships last.

Remember to have fun with each other, show respect, have trust and give each other the space you need to make your love grow over time. May your relationships last for several seasons and develop in its purpose.

The more you communicate with one another about where you are and where you are going, the easier it is to know if the relationship is right for you. Remember everything has its own time.

Listen to episode 3 here:

392: How to Make a Relationship Last (Part 3)

Right to R.E.A.L. Love: How to Make a Relationship Last, Episode 2

I’m excited to share part 2 of my 3 part podcast series with the Right to REAL love radio show.

In this episode, the host Jay and I continue our discussion to address the question: How can couples survive the tough times they experience in their relationship?

Press play below to listen:

391: How to Make a Relationship Last (Part 2)

The main lessons and takeaways, we wanted to share with our listening audience were all things so incredibly important in relationships.

We discussed how to manage conflict in a relationship and why one person alone is not enough to fight for a relationship.

We also talked about the benefits of having open lines of communication in a relationship and the importance of the foundation a relationship is built upon.

For a couple to be on the same page during easy times and challenging times, it takes work. You want to show solidarity through it all. If you both decide to put in the work together the relationship can be so fulfilling, even if you have tough times.

Don’t forget to listen and share. I want to hear your thoughts!

Episode 2:
http://righttoreallove.com/make-a-relationship-last-part2/

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Right to R.E.A.L. Love: How to Make a Relationship Last, Episode 1

A few weeks ago I shared that I did my first radio podcast on the Right to R.E.A.L Love show, one of the #1 Christian radio podcasts. My topic was to help singles on a big topic in navigating relationships.

My episodes were released this week and now are available online. I will be sharing an episode a week. I will include the links below for you to take a listen and share.

In the first episode, host Jay Mayo and I address the question: What things are required to make a relationship last?

We discussed:

1. Why most people lack what it takes to make a relationship last.

2. The importance of having examples of lasting relationships in our lives.

3. Three things we require in order to make our relationships last.

I explained how important having fun  with my boyfriend has been to making our relationship last. I also shared the lessons I have learned from past relationships that did not last.

When asked about relationships lasting a lifetime or a season, I talked about how to focus on making relationships last in their current season, rather than trying to make every relationship last for a lifetime.

That statement stuck with several people I talked with and at first I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone walking away with the wrong impression of what I was trying to say. Then I started to just own I said it and hopefully it strikes up more conversation so we can unpack it and dive in a little more. That part I love.

I absolutely believe in marriage and relationships lasting long periods of time but when speaking to an audience of unmarried singles, I felt it important to discuss what it takes to make a relationship last but be aware that not every one will end in marriage then last a lifetime. 

I believe when two people choose to enter into a marriage, that is a forever commitment that should not be taken lightly or shift and sway like the wind.

Timing in relationships is everything. In my own relationship, I am confident in our communication and love for each other that we continue to build up. But it takes work, commitment, effort, thoughtfulness, love. We look forward to long-lasting joy and happiness with each other because we are putting in that work and living that love out. I wish the same for you and your relationships.

Relationships don’t just happen because you want them to. They require an intentional decision to choose to share with each other and love each other over and over.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak” – Ecclesiastes 3:1,3,5-7

Next week I’ll tell you more about episode 2. For now a great action step is to make sure that you’re bringing your best to every relationship…especially if you are in a relationship right now.

What things are required to make a relationship last? Episode 1:

Listen Here! http://righttoreallove.com/make-a-relationship-last-part1/

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All My Love

I am so proud to say this week I am celebrating 1 year of my blog being alive! Since Sunday April 26, 2015, I have managed to write a new post every Sunday and what a year it has been. It feels great to have arrived at this blogiversary.

Just this weekend I hit another milestone while achieving another goal on my 2016 vision board. I was interviewed for the Right to R.E.A.L. Love podcast. It was so fun and such a step in the right direction away from my comfort zone.

My podcast topic was “How to make a relationship last.” It was such a fun conversation and not an intimidating interview at all. Host, Jay Mayo really made me feel comfortable and we had such a great discussion on the topic. The episode will be aired in May so I’ll be sure to let you know when you can check it out.

I wanted to write about this topic today though because it is always relevant to discuss love and relationships. It is a topic that affects us all in one way or another.

All of this love stuff can get messy on occasion and might need some untangling.

If you spent anytime this weekend watching Beyoncé’s visual album Lemonade, you know what I mean.

People want love and relationship so bad but what does it take to make it work? To really make it last?

Jay asked me some brilliant questions during our dialogue together like, “How can couples survive the tough times and remain together?”

Well as I heard Queen Bey say she learned from her grandmother, “Nothing real can be threatened.”

Now even after the recording has been completed, there are more things I wish I would have said. Love is so deep and intricate and needs more time to unpack the layers of what it takes to develop in relationship with another person.

You’ll hear everything I shared when my podcast episode is released but today I wanted to drop a few nuggets we talked about. I would also love to chat further with anyone interested in this topic. We can connect on Skype, Twitter (@dilaunwhite), over a cup of tea or whatever works.

I hate small talk but I could chat for hours about meaningful topics like this. I also fall to pieces with delight at any chance to peek into someone else’s brain about things like this.

Anyhow, to get back to the meat of our discussion, we landed on 4 big things it takes to keep balance in a relationship and make sure it stays strong enough to last.

1. Foundation
2. Communication
3. Fun
4. Space

Many people lack these things and waste a lot of time with the wrong people or building relationships with the right people but in the wrong time.

When the podcast comes out, I will do a follow up post and share even more about the conversation I had with Jay as we took a deep dive into this topic.

I will also explain more about what I mean for each of the four requirements as well as add a few more to the list.

For now, Happy First Birthday Life Untangled! Thanks for transforming my Sundays and getting me energized for a new week, every week. It’s amazing what we can do when we stop saying ‘we can’t’ and actually start making moves.

To wrap up with a Beyoncé quote because I can, “Imma keep running cuz a winner don’t quit on themselves.” This year I am keeping my running shoes at the ready.

What goal are you determined to accomplish this year? I want to hear about it.

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Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I went to the same junior high and high school with a small group of the same people. A few of us went to the same college together too.

We graduated, entered our career fields, lived our lives. Some got married. Some had kids. Some worked and traveled and played.

Nowadays unless you already do everything to keep in touch with old school friends, we tend to catch up for birthdays, funerals, babies being born and weddings.

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The twins sharing their brother/sister dance

It is a personal shortcoming of mine to not keep in touch with people. With age, my circle keeps pretty small. I have good intentions and mean people well but without a whole lot of action to reach out regularly, I really do a poor job of staying up to date with old friends and loved ones. I am always constantly working on that one.

One of my dear friends got married this weekend and boy I got so many blasts from the past. It was so fun to see, laugh and catch up with old friends. It has honestly been several years since I have seen most of them.

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Laura & Dilaun

We re-lived school memories, talked about all the pieces in our lives that are new and changed. A beautiful day full of flashbacks and yet celebrating my sister friend who looked stunning and blissful on her day of marriage. Another new beginning to keep in touch about.

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With the Beautiful Bride

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I was so glad to be in the same place with her family who I consider my family too. I spent so many nights in their house. We grew up learning from each other. There was a lot of fun and love there. I was overcome with such joy being close to them again, sharing hugs and stories, introducing them to my significant other. Everything felt familiar like the old days and with the exception of a little passed time, we fell back into the same routines.

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Love them! Bride's family

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Distance makes the heart grow fonder but if you can keep the distance from growing, you’ll be better off.

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Congratulations to my loving friend, Diana, and her new husband Joel. I wish  you two all the love and happiness in the world. Enjoy Hawaii and let’s see each other before the next wedding, birthday or funeral to come.

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The Happy Couple

Truly, Madly, Deeply

We have arrived to the end of February, for many it was the month of Love.

February is filled with lots of hearts and pinks and reds and cards and chocolates and flowers and special dates. So many people are looking for love or keeping the fire alive with the love they already have. So many others also running and hiding from the all the fuss, possibly stung by love in the past.

Love is such a powerful emotion. It is such a moving motivator. Love evokes all kinds of reactions.

My boyfriend and I actually choose not to celebrate Valentine’s Day or Sweetest Day. Our reasoning has always been keeping our love for each other genuine by celebrating outside of such “hallmark holidays”.

Love takes on different forms for everyone. I am fortunate to have someone in my life who I enjoy spending time with, someone I like, someone I love and someone I know is worth keeping company with.

I pay a lot of attention to relationships. I observe what works and does not work for others. I don’t model my relationship off anyone else’s but the insight into the challenges as well as opportunities to dive in further is so valuable.

A friend of mine just began a couples club with her husband. The idea is to get couples together on a regular basis, out of the house to have fun and enjoy the company of other great couples. It is such a brilliant idea to support each other and keep our own relationships strong.

With such high divorce rates, having strong examples of love and marriage has always been important to me. I like seeing it and believing it is possible. I get love in relationships or marriage is not always so easy but it can work if you work it.

Interestingly enough, earlier this week I started watching Married At First Sight on OnDemand. They are in the third season of this show and the concept is so fascinating.

The show site explains it like this:

“Married at First Sight” is an extreme social experiment that follows six brave singles yearning for a life-long partnership as they agree to a provocative proposal: getting legally married to a complete stranger the moment they first meet.

Four specialists – sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff; psychologist, Dr. Joseph Cilona; sociologist, Dr. Pepper Schwartz; and spiritual advisor, Greg Epstein – create what they believe are three ideally matched couples, based on scientific matchmaking. The couples will not meet until they walk down the aisle and see each other face-to-face, for the first time, at the altar.

Over the course of several weeks, episodes capture each couple’s journey as they go from wedding, to honeymoon, to early nesting, to the daily struggle of working on their marriage. After several weeks together, each couple must make a decision: do they remain together or decide to divorce?

This arranged marriage style is so untraditional to many cultures but watching the show unfold, it is so interesting. These couples are going through battles seasoned couples have further down the line in their relationships. They are getting to know each other personally on an intimate level with such a humongous leap into marriage.

Love and the pursuit thereof can do that to people. Of course this is an extreme example but people pursue and look for love on all kinds of levels, hoping to find  love that will last, be true and mad and deep.

I am steady learning and finding enlightenment on my own journey with love. I appreciate looking by my side to a partner that supports, motivates and challenges me. I appreciate having someone I can trust and share my strengths and weaknesses with who can do the same with me.

Relationships are not for everyone, neither is marriage and I respect that. I still am in no rush to marry. I am so blessed at my life and relationship stage right now. But should you choose to find someone and you see a potential for love, I hope it is true, mad and deep.

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Tell Me Your Story: Getting to Know Humanity One Tale at a Time

I always find myself wondering people’s stories.

When I meet someone new, I would rather jump right in. That’s probably the introvert in me. If you want to keep my attention in conversation, let’s talk about something with meaning. Leave the surface level topics for someone else.

Even when I meet up with friends or family, instead of asking, “How are you?” which never gets me anywhere near the truth, I would rather ask, “What’s your story?” or “Tell me something new.”

And the story always changes right? The story is ever evolving. I want to know whatever you’re willing to share.

I am eager to hear what lessons you have learned that could help me or anyone. I wonder how many would tell me if I asked questions like this. Like the stranger sitting next to me on the bus. I know asking in such a setting is not encouraged. Or what about that person on the street who intrigues me for one reason or another. What’s your story?

In a humorous way, I see myself walking through the streets like that random guy in Pretty Woman. What’s your dream??

Sometimes I just want to switch it up from Hi, how are you? Too many generic answers with no depth or truth or honesty most times. I hate that I do it too. It is such a habit to reply GOOD or FINE. What happens when we actually have a real answer but the asker already moved on?

So I love the work I do helping unemployed job seekers find work. The company culture of my office relies heavily on the power of stories.

We start every morning with a time of sharing stories in a daily meeting called Motivations. There is a new topic every day and the topic never allows anyone the chance to keep things surface level. The purpose of sharing a story in Motivations is to touch, move and inspire the group with your experience.

It helps energize everyone, gives a glimpse into your life and helps us relate more to one another. It builds community in our fast-paced work culture.

I think one of our challenges in the world today is we do not share enough with each other. We can use a lesson in walking in other people’s shoes to understand that their struggles, challenges, fears, anxieties, loves, joys, etc may not be so different from yours.

At the basic human level, we can share so much. We choose not to and instead build walls in an attempt to never welcome an “other” into our world.

Instead when we share, though our stories may still differ on many levels, we find a way to empathize and connect with one another in new ways. I do not have to live your life or have gone through all of your experiences but I can be impacted by your story.

I remember years ago I was in a grocery store line and an older couple was checking out in front of me. They said something to the cashier about being married over 60 years. So I started asking questions. Curiousity got the best of me and I was fascinated by their story.

I want to learn from the people around me as much as I can. I can only learn from people if they are willing to share with me.

Last year I was introduced to the StoryCorps organization and app. It is a cool way to capture recorded stories of anyone. You can ask them questions you create or use a pre-made list. It is a great way to do what I spent this whole post enouraging…hearing people’s stories.

I used my mom as my first subject after I downloaded the app. I learned so much more about her in just the 20 minute interview and it was inspiring and moving. I look forward to asking many more questions and learning plenty more from all those around me. I hope you will consider taking up the challenge.

So, what’s your story?

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The Company We Keep

We are only as good as the company we keep.

Hopefully you choose your friends as much as they choose you so you know you are filling your space and time with people who deserve your attention but won’t drain you for it.

May you know people who live independent of you so they can fulfill their lives by accomplishing their goals and dreams yet they also have your backing and support.

We cannot escape becoming like the people we spend the majority of our time with — for better or worse. That’s why this idea of the grand importance on the company you keep matters.

Earlier this year in June, I attended a leadership conference in London on scholarship. I met the most brilliant women. Today was one of their birthdays and what caught my attention most was what someone else wrote about her. I spent just a few days with these ladies and yet we have joined up our lives together, celebrating our impact on one another.

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London
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London
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London

The post read, “This year I met some of the most amazing young people who inspired me and spurred me to action because they are already on the dance floor of life, doing some crazy samba with opportunities and resources to change the world. They believe they can and they are.”

Brilliant words from my dear friend and I wholeheartedly agree.

Over the weekend I had the great privilege of attending my friend and co-worker’s book launch.

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Book Launch
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Book Launch

She is now a published author, having just written her first book, A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict.

This is the same friend who has been featured in Ebony and (my favorite) Essence magazines. She has her own life coaching business, blog site and successfully blogs weekly for Black and Married with Kids, a very popular site with articles on relationships and parenting.

She is accomplishing so many goals I have and I am completely blessed to be close enough to watch and learn.

The other company I keep includes song writing award-winning producers, engineers, project managers, therapists, entrepreneurs, actors, artists, writers, designers, faithful husbands and wives, strong mothers and fathers, people going back to school for bachelors and masters and doctorate degrees. Those going back to achieve that GED they may need to propel their education and career forward.

I want the achievers, innovators, collaborators, those who are honorable and have intergrity.

I can look up to these people in my life. I  can be motivated and challenged by them. I can ask them questions to help me navigate my own path and best support them on theirs. I can soak up the good vibes, watch, listen, learn, do.

I don’t limit myself to only engaging people with uber established careers either. BUT I want people who exist in the mindset of moving forward. Medocrity and stagnation is a curse when you have control to make better things happen.

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Chicago Business Leader Meeting

They say if you are the smartest person in your group then you need a new group. I agree and am grateful for people in my life I can teach something to and learn something from.

What kind of company do you keep?

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Friend visiting Chicago
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Chicago Fundraiser

A Tale of Two Cities: What 800 miles apart has taught me about Love

I’m in a long-distance relationship. A lot of people say,“Isn’t that hard?” Well in short, Yes! Ha-ha but not for the reasons people often think. It also isn’t tough every day like many assume. I have discovered so much joy in my long-distance relationship. The joys far outweigh anything else. It has taught me a lot about who I am and what I want in this life as I journey alongside who I want.

Here are 6 things I have learned in love from my long-distance relationship.

1. Every visit is special

Every trip, every flight. When we can spend weeks with each other it’s wonderful but if all we have is 2-3 days, it is just as meaningful. A lot of couples take for granted the simple pleasures like holding hands or grabbing dinner together any night of the week. One of my favorite things in this world is that butterfly feeling when the wheels of our flight touch down in the other person’s city — Universal symbol for Thank God I can use my cell phone again. All the time apart up to that point is forgotten. Grabbing luggage and searching for one another in the airport and finally making eye contact. There is a smile exchange at the exact time everyone else fades away. I know better than anyone goodbyes are hard but worth it when thinking of the butterflies that are eager for the next flight to touch down. Sure, Distance makes the heart grow fonder but when you spend time together, be present.

2. Communication is necessary but not required every second 

We live in different states, rise and sleep in different time zones and lead different lives. And that’s okay! Love doesn’t mean being on the phone all day, every day though it is important to communicate.

In some relationships there is irrational fear that ‘If I’m not in their face every moment or reminding them to think of me, they won’t’. Some of that stems from low self-esteem and if you find yourself feeling this way, maybe that person isn’t for you. A person who loves you will love you whether they see you, hear from you daily or not. They will think of you often even when you don’t realize it.

When your person needs you, be there for them. If something is on your heart or mind, be sure to share it as soon as possible so things that need to be addressed don’t linger. It’s cool to let them know out of the blue that you’re thinking about them. Keep it simple. Love on them then let them go about their day. Both sides open up the chance for your better half to be vulnerable with you too whenever they please. So communicate of course but also give them space to miss you and catch you up on the parts of life you can’t be there for.

3. Support, Communicate Support, Actually be Supportive

When you do text, email, call, skype, visit with each other, the conversations should not be filled with to-dos or demands. Learn their love language and figure out what they need. Sometimes they want you to solve problems, sometimes they want you to just shut up and listen. My guy knows me so well I can’t hide being upset or stressed. I always laugh when he figures me out. Mutual support is everything. My loved one reminds me of my dreams and goals when I get discouraged. I do the same for him because I believe in him that much. We push and pull each other forward and celebrate each other along the way.

4. Trust & Respect the lover you chose

How you love is a reflection of who you are. Honor that.

5. We don’t go to bed angry

Fortunately we don’t argue about much but we are human so we do disagree every now and then. My boyfriend actually came up with this rule and I have grown to really value it. The important thing is to say what needs to be said, get it all out there and then figure it out together. We absolutely do not go to bed angry whether we are next to each other or across the country. This is about learning how to communicate, figure out what’s going on, resolve the misunderstanding and move forward.

6. Our Love is ours

Not our friends, family or community. What I mean by that is while it’s good to hear wisdom and it does not hurt to get advice (even those who provide it unsolicited), do not feel the need to listen to everyone who wants to add input on your relationship. There is also No need to broadcast all the details of your relationship to the world. Some people assume you go through what has been a struggle in their own relationship. Sometimes that does happen which is why it is good to have healthy couples who you can reach out to for advice. Sometimes though it isn’t about you reacting to another couple’s laundry list of issues, but instead you getting together with your love and figuring out your own things together. And if it ain’t broke, don’t break it. If anything is broke though and you need third party assistance, consider relationship counseling.

Sometimes long-distance or any relationship is as hard as you make it. Long distance relationships are not for everyone. It takes strength and dedication. But honestly, in my opinion, the effort it takes to make a long-distance relationship like mine work should be the same effort put into a relationships with someone you see everyday. If my boyfriend and I ever live in the same city, I want the list of things I have learned to still be present, even more so.

My point is the principles  are the same, whatever the distance between you and your love. There are some basic, foundational things that have to exist in a relationship in order to make it work. It has to be true for both sides involved in order for it work. I have married friends who use the hashtag #datingmyhusband or #datingmywife and I love that because it puts intention to not lose the magic and spark.

I love that people know it’s genuine for me and my boyfriend when they see us together. What means even more than that to me is our relationship actually being genuine even when no one is watching. I encourage you to strive for the relationship no one else needs to validate.

Growing together through good news and bad news, smiles and arguments is how love gets stronger between people who sleep 2 feet or 800 miles apart. If we can be on the same page, so can you.

What has your relationship taught you about love?