Heart Untangled: Speaking My Love Language

This month I have been thinking quite a bit about love languages. 

I always thought I knew what mine was but decided to take the official online quiz for couples on Gary Chapman’s website. It was so insightful.

Knowing your own love language is a great way to understand what you look for in relationships and how you feel loved and appreciated. It is also good to know what your partner’s love language is so you can show them your love and appreciation for them in a manner that means the most to them.

I want to share mine because it includes descriptions and hopefully makes you think about what your own might be.

After the quiz, my results were scored. The highest score indicates your primary love language – how you really understand your partner’s expressions of love. It’s common to have two high scores, although one language tends to have a slight edge. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationship.

My top two were tied…Physical Touch & Words of Affirmation. My next highest was Quality Time followed by Acts of Service. My lowest was Receiving Gifts.

Here is a little more insight into what they mean straight from my personal love language profile:


Physical Touch
“This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.”

This is so true in my opinion but was a little surprising because I was in a long distance relationship for years. Being apart never bothered me too much. I missed my partner of course but we talked all the time and saw each other as often as we could. It worked for us. I am glad now we are no longer long distance. 


Words of Affirmation
“Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.”

As a lover of written and spoken word, words have special meaning for me. Actions are incredibly important but to me, so are the words you say. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks and I want to hear what you have to say. Words really do matter in building relationship with someone.


Quality Time
“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.”


Acts of Service
“Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”

When I think about my love, I think one of his top love languages is Acts of Service. He gives love through Acts of Service. He feels appreciated through Acts of Service. He goes above and beyond when it comes to finding ways to serve. He is always willing to take the burden of something and make things easier on me. He wants to know I have his back too and I do. It feels good to have someone you believe in. 


Receiving Gifts
“Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.”

My boyfriend and I are just the right match here. This was the last one for both of us. Gifts are not our focus and I like that. We spend our time on the other areas above.

These descriptions just scratch the surface. To really understand the love languages of you and your partner, read Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages.

The biggest tip to walk away with is you should take time to understand your love language.

Knowing how you prefer to be loved is important for your relationship. It’s romantic to think your partner should just know how to love you—but it’s also a bit unrealistic, and can even be unfair to expect something from your partner if you’re not willing to tell him/her how you prefer to be loved and appreciated in your relationship.

My Gym Romance

For the past couples months I have been pretty faithfully attending the gym. It’s shocking really. I have done so faithfully because my boyfriend pushes me and trains me when we get there.

On days when I just want to go out and order a dozen buffalo wings and chill in front of a tv, I balance with days at the gym or getting some workout in. It has not been easy all the time but so worth it.

I choose to step out on my tv nights to build my love affair with the gym. My boyfriend has been incredibly supportive on this journey. It feels good to pick a healthy activity together to make ourselves better. 

We used to do our own things in the gym and he would leave exhausted and I wouldn’t even be sweating. I wasn’t challenging myself and building up any kind of endurance. I was more than happy with 20 half-assed minutes on an elliptical while watching some ridiculous show. 

Now having an accountability partner, I am building muscle and endurance, helping my heart, mind and body get stronger all the time. I literally do every thing he already planned to do on his own, just at a lighter weight. We have different days to focus on different muscles and some days are the hardest thing ever. That feeling though to push past what you think you can do, is the most liberating feeling. 

Getting all that excess energy out is a stress reliever. It slows down the brain busyness because I have to concentrate on not hurting myself or dying in the gym. It’s perfect for draining me to get a good night’s sleep. 

I am not good at everything though so I also learn lessons in being patient with myself.

I used to be nervous I was holding my guy back in the gym and I would look goofy holding 2 or 5 lb weights doing my thing but I focus on myself and him only. He taught me to track my progress and I have seen true change in my appetite for more. Now I can push the limits and it feels good.

Our gym routine is also another great positive way for us to build our connection with one another. A couple that works out and sweats together can learn to conquer so many other things in life together. We lean on and trust each other as we mold our weakness into strength and share vulnerability in our health and wellness journey. 

I used to tell people that I refused to pay for a gym membership for things I can do at home. Before my guy moved to Chicago, I used to do more workouts on my own. I would pull up YouTube on my tv and do yoga right in my living room. Whatever works is worth it if you work it. 

If you have been telling yourself you need to work on getting fit or back in the gym, start as soon as you can. If you don’t think you will stick to it alone, find yourself an accountability partner like I did. 

Now I force myself to take more opportunities during the day to walk. Instead of taking the bus home which is closer, I often walk to the train which is a few blocks further and gets my heart pumping. As a city girl, I walk fast so more activity is better to really get my blood flowing. 

Life is simply too fragile and short not to take care of ourselves. My next step is really examining my diet because I LOVE to eat and 83% is not healthy lol. 

For now I will continue my love affair with the gym. 

National Sister’s Day

Today I celebrated National Sister’s Day. I didn’t even know that was a thing until recently. 

I love some of these random days to enjoy the little things in life. They have national ice cream day, national friendship day, national poem day. There is something to celebrate every single day of the year. 

This post will be short so I can get back to the company of my friends and sisters but what ladies in your life could use a little love from you? Maybe a hello, a smile, a laugh, a call, a card, a coffee, an ice cream or a brunch date? 

I went to brunch today with my actual sisters but celebrating things like national sister day can include the more general sister definition of just a lady in your life. Your sisters might include your family, friends and any other lady who could use a spirit uplift from your kindness. It might be a a lady you admire or have fun with or someone you call mom even. 

Who could use an extra dose of your attention this week?

Share the love in the spirit of National Sister’s Day! 

Cry It Out

When was the last time you had a good cry? 

It could have been a result of pent up frustration, stress or sadness. I even cry sometimes when I’m happy or overwhelmed with emotions because of something really touching I see or hear. 

Sometimes shedding a tear is the only way you can express what’s going on, when there are no words. Of course, don’t take the extreme and cry all the time at every drop of a hat. 

Sunday morning I spent some time at church…but first I strugggggled. 

I woke up groggy and congested. I had to wake up earlier than usual because I committed to attending an orientation about opportunities to volunteer. The bus was going to make me late so I tried hailing a cab which wasn’t working so I called an Uber but canceled at the last second because a cab did come. I didn’t feel like going to church. I didn’t feel like doing anything but catch up on more sleep. I didn’t want to go at all. At all. 

This morning because I woke up on a side of the bed feeling some kind of way, I decided to Spotify me some gospel music while I showered and got ready. I wasn’t in the mood to take the day on yet but sometimes you  just need to plant the seeds for the atmosphere you want anyway.  Yolanda Adams and Fred Hammond helped me change my mind about some things. I jumped into the day more grateful and contemplative. 

Music is such a powerful tool. Not just worship music. 

I spent a lot of time today listening to music today and creating a peaceful space in my own. As I write this, I have Pandora spilling tracks from Chance the Rapper, Drake and Kendrick Lamar, real conscious lyricists. 

Anyways back to this morning. Towards the end of the church service, the band went back to the stage to lead a few songs. One in particular really touched me and I became overwhelmed with emotion. 

Eyes closed, I sang and listened with silent tears streaming down my face. It didn’t last much longer than 3 or 4 minutes. I just let the magnitude of what I felt like the words were saying to me in that moment, take over. I began to reflect that sometimes I am exactly where I need to be. Not just physically in that building this morning but in life generally. 

Days of feeling tired, stressed or overwhelmed affects us all. Maybe more than we would care to admit. Sometimes life feels like you’re in control and have kiddie-pool size issues going on. Sometimes life feels like you are wading in the ocean during shark week. 

At times you may look around like, “How does it all connect?” or “Why is (fill in the blank) happening?”

The song I heard this morning felt hopeful and confirmed I may resist at times but I am exactly where I need to be.

At this point in my life, I give myself permission to feel all my feelings. Truth, honesty and authenticity from myself, to myself is key to me. 

This morning I needed a good cry and under the direction of powerful music, I let some things go. I cry when I am thankful for blessings or also in times I feel like life is really testing me. Crying was therapeutic and a way to recognize, release and move forward with a clear mind. 

When my loved ones have lost jobs or found new jobs, have health scares and just try to figure out what life has for them in relation to the relationships in and around their lives, I share in what they are feeling. Sometimes they need a good cry too for the blessings and the pain. 

This song “Oceans” is what did it for me:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and you won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior


Even if you don’t shed a tear, what is something you need to release and let go of physically or emotionally?  

Don’t grow up, it’s a trap :)

I was raised in the 80s and 90s. Every year that I get older, I love fond memories of being a kid. 

You know when you’re a kid, you’re in such a rush to grow up. I used to think adults had it so easy. They could buy what they wanted and they didn’t have rules to follow. When I got older, I realized it wasn’t always as glamorous as I made it seem in my little brain as a child. 

1. Bills to pay

2. Still lots of rules…lol

I am fortunate to enjoy my adult life most times but I think part of it is me maintaining the sense of joy and wonder kids often have. 

I am the adult who every now and then just craves an Oscar Meyer Lunchable or Fruit Roll-up so I buy it. I love playing games and watching classic Disney movies. My boyfriend and I spend lots of time at a local arcade playing Street Fighter, Super Mario, and NBA Jams. I’m a big kid sometimes.  On the wall of that arcade in giant neon letters are the words, “Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.” 

Just the other day, my co-workers and I were going on and on about jumping double-dutch rope as kids and singing all the rhymes we used to recite. It immediately takes you back. 

Sometimes it is nice to remind yourself life can still be simple and fun if you choose to live it that way. Life doesn’t always have to be bitter and boring and complex as you drudge through just trying to survive. It can feel like adulthood is supposed to be dull and always serious but it does not have to be. Do not let growing up trap you in unhappiness.

On my Pinterest boards is full of good memories and favorite 80s/90s throwbacks. You should definitely check it out and reminisce on the good ‘ol days with me. I think you’ll like this board… http://pin.it/ak8XaVc

Actually just this weekend my boyfriend and I bought super soakers so we can head to the park one afternoon soon and blast each other with water for kicks. It will be a welcome relief from the extreme heat hitting the Midwest. 

At the end of this year I will exit the decade of my 20s. I had been wracking my brain about how to celebrate. Almost everyone I know jumps into that milestone with a grown and sexy theme. I thought about doing the same for a while…Fly to Miami for a wet and wild weekend vacation on the beach. Then I decided I would really rather have the kind of fun I did as a kid.

I am certainly not afraid of getting older. I do not mind “adulting” at all. I am often the mature and responsible one. Consider me a super adult some days and because of that…

…I just think little reminders that getting older does not mean you have to BE old are so important. That statement is true no matter what age you are. I choose to have tons of fun in life.

So for my birthday, I decided I want to run around a theme park and just laugh, be carefree and ring in my birthday in a totally unexpectedly perfect way. Right now my solution is a trip to Florida that includes some time at the ultimate theme park, Universal Studios.

I am in the process of planning so if you have any tips or suggestions, please send me a note. 

What favorite thing did you have or do as a kid that you wish was still a regular part of your life today (bonus points: or actually is)?

Throwback of Me and Mom

Stop, Breathe & Think: 3 Lessons in Mindfulness

Last week I downloaded this great app to assist in daily meditation. I think using time during the day to meditate is so important to wholeness and wellness. I read, pray, practice yoga, listen to music to stimulate my mind and enjoy times of silence and reflection to focus my energy and thoughts on keeping calm and stress-free as often as possible. 

Stress can truly devastate one’s mental and physical state if you don’t have things in place to de-stress on a regular basis. Helpful (not harmful) habits can create a personal space for you to thrive and let that energy radiate into the pieces and parts of your life that need you to be “on your game” at work and home.

A few months ago I was finding my health being affected by stress. When the stress started to affect my mind and body I knew I had to get back to the basics and re-instate some regular practices I had let fall off. I paid closer attention to what I was eating. I started to do a weekly gym routine and came back to practicing yoga and meditating more regularly.

In the past I have used the Headspace app and I would recommend it. Their concept is 10 minutes is all you need and they have exercises daily. Meditation and mindfulness have a lot of benefits for you and those around you. 

Think about how many people around you, you wish would spend time working on themselves so they wouldn’t drive you crazy. Haha. By taking time for yourself, you can control how you act and react in the world around you. It can make a big difference, trust me. 

I also like Stop, Breathe & Think because there are meditations of different lengths. I used it this week on my morning commute to work. I played one after another and spent time relaxing my mind before jumping into the day. It was very empowering.

Stop, Breathe & Think  is a simple tool to guide people through meditations for mindfulness and compassion. 

According to the app you can accomplish 3 things: 
1. STOP

Stop what you are doing. Check in with what you are thinking, and how you are feeling.


2. BREATHE 

Practice mindful breathing to create space between your thoughts, emotions and reactions.


3.THINK

Learn to broaden your perspective and strengthen your force field of peace and calm by practicing one of the meditations.


Would you agree doing these 3 things more would help you too? I would love to hear other suggestions in the comments on what helps you. 

What do you use to refresh and rejuvenate your body and mind?
 

Unleash your Power for Purpose

A little over two years ago I read an Essence magazine that talked about creating vision boards and really declaring what you want in your life. I cut out lots of words and images of encouraging and empowering reminders of the positive things I wanted to attract more of in my life. 

After one year, I was totally a believer in the power of vision boards. They created the exact effect I wanted. The vision board itself didn’t make me achieve goals and hit milestones though, it provided visual and mental reminders of where I wanted to be. I still think the craziest part is I started seeing my vision come alive from year to year. 

I created a new one last year and just 7 months in, I’m amazed. Now, my life is not perfect. I am not perfect. The world around me is not perfect however when you can flip the switch to get what you want and need out of life, it feels good whenever there is a chance to celebrate the big and little moments. I have been blessed and fortunate enough in several areas to celebrate. It helps then when other areas seem to fall apart or begin to rip at the seams. I know there is something beyond the mountains of life. 

When I look at statements on my 2016 vision board like…“Write the Next Great Chapter in Your Life Story” and “Enhance Your Career” and “It’s time I make a bold move and Own it,” or “Choose Love” and “Find Your Own Paradise,” it just gets real when I consider what is happening in my life these days. 

I have enhanced my career and made fun life moves along side the man I love. I am full into the adventure God has for me. 

I may not have my life exactly planned and my purpose may not always be clear. Perhaps you have felt the same when you are not sure the ‘why’ for what is happening around you. Living in our world right now, there feels the need to perpetually ask, “Why?” 

But in partnership with that question, I also must ask, “What can I do better to live in my purpose?” My decisions and my realm of influence can open doors and minds and opportunities for who knows what. Part of my purpose is to be light and share love which can drive out darkness and hate and all the unwanted. Being in my purpose I can attract positivity, success and the right kind of challenges to prep me for my next level. It may not always be easy but it can be worth it. 

I am a couple decades into creating my legacy and determining how I will leave this earth better than I found it by owning my purpose in my own way.

I hope for you that you have the courage to be who you are meant to be and the consistent inspiration to dream, provide, advise, explore, confess, organize, support, dance, laugh, love and love again as you move through life and unleash your power for purpose. 

My Weekend with Yogi Bear

I love every opportunity to take a break and refresh. 

This weekend I took off with my family for a quick camping trip. We stayed in tents and cabins at the family-friendly Yogi Bear Campgrounds. Yes it was at times more glamping (glamour camping) than anything but we had such a blast. 

We spent a ton of time talking, laughing and actively out and about the campgrounds having fun. 

Most of the area is a cell-phone dead zone so we spent little time engrossed in our timelines and more time together.

I went fishing for the first time. We kayaked and paddle-boated. We had a pork rib cook-off complete with taste testers. I was a judge and my vote lost. We had people playing cards and dominoes, basketball and mini-golfing. We even got to be in a parade.

It is always a nice change of pace when you can keep occupied without the aid of tv, electronic devices and netflix. We really had one of the best, most relaxing, care-free weekends we have had in a while. 

I hope you make time to do the same in your life. We certainly aren’t getting any younger. 

Let the Mud Settle

June has been an interesting month. This June has certainly contained its share of ups and downs, twists and turns. Many good days, a few stressful ones. Perhaps you feel the same.

Every now and again we all might feel we could row in the same boat. We share how busy we are or stressed. We are all going through something at any given moment.

Saturday morning I did not feel like dragging myself out of bed to exercise. I wanted to sleep in. I wanted to rest and spend my morning doing nothing.

But on the other hand, I cannot talk about how I want my health to be good while I ignore opportunities to make it better.

Though I arrived a few minutes late, I made it to Yoga and then stayed for Pilates.

It was so hot out I just wanted to lay on my mat in the shade instead of sweat in the sun. I pushed past that mental block for most moves and it eventually felt good to be out there working.

The yoga teacher said something during our practice yesterday that resonated so loud I had to write it down following our final relaxation pose when we wrapped up for the day.

She said “Do you have enough patience to let the mud settle until the water runs clear?”

If you have never practiced the art of yoga, it is about slowing down and being concious in mind, body and spirit. It gives you a chance to settle and focus…hit reset. You spend a lot of time breathing and moving quietly.

You might say but I know how to breath already. I’m alive. I would challenge there is a difference between breathing to stay alive and breathing to feel alive.

When your mind is clear and you have a chance to pause all the stuff you have to think about, worry about or do, you get a better chance to actively participate in your life. You can feel more alive when you remove the extra distractions.

Her statement resonated with me because through good and bad news, on easy and tough days, I can be quick to make moves, focus too hard on the details, lose the big picture (or do just the opposite), freak out or jump to conclusions without letting the mud settle.

Sometimes things are easier to manage when you give the sediment, crap and muck time to settle to the bottom or get out of the way so you can get clean, clear water. Then you can think straight, see straight and make decisions that help you. It takes patience and work.

So what is the next thing you’re fighting to achieve? Waiting on? Praying for? Need clarity concerning? And…are you willing to let the mud settle?

What do you need to practice your patience on this week?

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Phoneless Part 2: Be Careful What You Wish For

Following my post last week, all I can say is Be Careful What You Wish For!

Though I definitely did mean everything I said about the importance of putting down the phone and being present, I had no clue I would have a real-time test on it.

Just this past Wednesday, a mere 3 days after I wrote last Sunday’s post, my phone broke. It was physically damaged and I couldn’t connect a charger to it.

My phone is a little over a year old on a 2 year contract. I have been having issues lately with the phone losing battery charge quickly. The second I wasn’t able to charge it, I just knew it would be dead in a matter of hours and I had no plan.

I hit this unexpected bump. I would not be able to make or receive calls. I was nervous I would lose all my apps, photos, and maps. I use a lot of things in my phone to help me navigate the day. I actually am still nervous much of my info was lost even though my provider claimed to backup everything.

By Thursday morning, my phone was dead. I had called customer support the night before and spoke with three people. Only two of which were helpful. I made an appointment to go in a store Thursday after work but that guy was the worst so far. He did not answer my questions or explain my options. Needless to say I was wildly frustrated at this point.

What seemed to make it more stressful was I had plans to take a cross-country roadtrip for the weekend to attend a wedding. What if I needed to reach out to someone? Or they needed me? How would I know where to go?

I really wanted to have my phone for practical and safety reasons. I cane home Thursday and my boyfriend could just tell he needed to step in and help me out. He calmed me down and agreed to walk with me to our local phone store where I could get some answers and have a plan. I love that.

It was the first employee to be kind, empathetic and truly helpful in that store. In that moment I could see the true spirit of great customer service. Oh boy, how people treat one another makes such a difference in this world.

She thoroughly explained my options. She discussed how to file a claim and request a replacement phone be shipped overnight hopefully in time for my trip. She gave me a tip to temporarily transfer service to an old phone on the account so I could at least have access for my trip. I appreciate good people.

Unfortunately the phone did not arrive before the trip so I was pretty limited on the road. My old phone also dies quickly so I used it for basic things. I didn’t spend my weekend on social media or taking photos. I was able to completely focus on being present and not just there. Though frustrating at times, it was all the things I spoke about last week.

When I returned home and got the package, I was annoyed to open the package and see no battery or charger was included. I had to call the insurance company so the can ship the missing products which won’t arrive for a few days.

At this point I am no longer frustrated to tears. I can only laugh because it all seems so ridiculous now. Mainly in retrospect I appreciated the experience. I adapted and feel silly such a simple change threw me for such a loop. God had jokes this week. That’s why sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for!

Have a great week. See you next Sunday!

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