Author: Life Untangled

I am a Chicago business professional with a passionate love for writing and living life out loud. I created this lifestyle blog to motivate and inspire aspirational individuals who want to live their best version of life without fear. My goal is to empower people all over the world to create lives of joy, success and freedom through personal and professional development. Life moves far too quickly for us not to enjoy the journey. This is to untangling life, love, liberty and the pursuit of peace and happiness. There are many lessons I have learned to embrace when it comes to life, love and work in our culturally rich world. I want to share what I have learned so it can encourage you to live your best version of life. Plus, I'm a social introvert so I am always thinking about things like how to destroy negative stereotypes around being courageous and brave enough to live life to the fullest, sometimes on your own. There is no need for you to wait on someone else in order to live YOUR life! It is exciting and thrilling. You have that level of brave in you no matter your personality type and I dare you to live it out loud! Are you ready to learn how?

I took the road less traveled now where the **** am I?

Throughout many stages of my life, I was teased a lot for the way I speak. I was told I spoke too proper. I was often accused of ‘not sounding black enough’. I say it was accusations because it made me eventually open my eyes to the ludicrous statement that really makes. How I read that when I was young was “I’m different. I stand out but this is who I am so I just won’t fit in.” How I read it now makes me believe such small mindedness was introduced to box me up. Good thing I hate boxes.  I don’t want to fit in and do only what is expected. Live beyond the stereotype. Once I got older I thought about how those words used to hurt my feelings and was like wait, so I read books and sounded educated so was being smart and sophisticated not acceptable in my community?? Well of course not but that was how I felt. How dare anybody try to tell me that who I am is not enough.

I could launch into how I was raised in tough neighborhoods and even though my family made many sacrifices for me to have opportunities, we struggled at times. I’m grateful for how I was raised and where I come from. Yet It’s unnecessary to launch into those stories because my struggles and triumphs should mean nothing if the reason I am bringing them up is to prove who I am. I’ll pass, thanks.

For me and where I’m from, I made a lot of choices different than the norm. I played golf and made friends with many beautiful diverse human beings and lived abroad and kept choosing less traveled roads.

I accepted myself instead of trying to change who I was. I march to the beat of my own drummer and that’s okay. People can adapt.

I could have forced myself to conform when I was growing up but instead I chose the road less traveled in those days. I chose me over other people’s opinions of who I should be. I have been happy being me ever since. I found empowerment in my voice. I am skilled at knowing what behavior is appropriate in different situations because I have been in all those different situations. Now I hear all the time how people love my voice and how intelligent and mature I sound when I speak. I have been requested as a speaker on many occasions. I did nothing different. It reminds me of a quote by supermodel Iman “I don’t change the way I think; I change the environment.”

Along the way in this life I have taken wrong turns and u-turns but that is the beauty of this life’s journey. The hurtful words I used to hear in my youth don’t serve me. What they taught me was how being uniquely who I am – a beautiful mess at times – was how I would bring impact.

I have been called brave by many people’s definition for the roads I have chosen. To me, I’m just living my life and I’ve got a long way to go in figuring out even more things but I’m glad to live a life that serves me. I have no apology for that.

One of my goals is to poke holes in the boxes we place others/ourselves in. There is no ‘one way’ to speak, dress, travel, work, love or live that dictates who you are or should be. Be You.

It is amazing. I went to the Pride Parade for the first time today and the running theme through much of it was just that — Be You. Tonight I watched the BET Awards and the 3.5 hour show was filled with various entertainers, educators, business people and everything in between. Any award show provides a good examples of those who stand out amongst the crowd as unique. You have something to bring to the table that no one else does. No one has your story. May no one rob you of the confidence to live your story just as you need to.

I heard a young girl say something last week in London that really resonated with me. She said “You’re the person you have to live with your whole life. Make it count.”

So it turns out I know exactly where I am. I am opening up new doors. I am figuring out new paths. I am blazing new trails. There is no formula for life. There is no ‘one way’ to live it either.

Have you ever struggled with being yourself or finding your own voice? How did that impact you?

Life along the Thames River: My first trip to London 

I had the privilege and opportunity to spend some time in England this week. It was my first solo trip to Europe and I was terrified at first. I had this irrational fear it would be like Taken 4: The return of Liam Neeson. Then I went and put my brave boots on and had a brilliant English adventure I will never forget. I am fortunate to have now done something so far outside of my comfort zone. It reinforces I am fully capable of empowering myself to live the life I desire.

Here are 25 tips, observations and lessons I can share now thanks to London:

1. Activate international data plan before day of arrival. Sprint made for a shitty and confusing first day. I could not make any calls or use the Internet (including Google maps — can you imagine?) to figure out things. The silver lining was I lived pre-Google old school and just asked people. Thank God it is an English speaking country and also people are friendly. I found out though many people who live in London have no clue where things are.

2. Fly Virgin Atlantic. The high level of customer experience I received in economy (coach for us regulars) was amazing. Just imagine first class. Truly Virgin was phenom from check-in to landing. I even had to tweet Sir Richard Branson and his staff about it. Thanks again Richie B for giving me life.

3. Mind the Gap between the train and the platform.

4. Heathrow Airport offers 4 FREE hours of wifi. There is no limit on devices. There is no catch. There is not even a password you need to type in. London’s hospitality is off the charts and this is a classic example in its purest form. Where I’m from, there is no such thing as free wifi in airports. Not even 15-30 minutes. Sad in comparison isn’t it?

5. The underground train is not all underground. Barreling through the deep, dark tunnels of London I was expecting this ho-hum florescent light experience. I was miracles only if I wanted to check a site on my phone. Every now and then though we burst through the darkness into the light and it was glorious. Keep some gum handy though while riding the Tube. The speed and pressure makes for intense eardrum plugging.

6. Press the open button to enter and exit DLR trains. The Docklands Light Railway is accessible by the underground Tube but operates differently. If you don’t want to look like a fool and you are the first one on or off the railcar, be sure to press the “Open” button otherwise you won’t be leaving. The doors do not automatically open on these trains so paying attention is key. I struggled to remember the first couple of times.

7. Tap your Oyster Card at the beginning AND end of your trip to be charged the correct amount. I kept forgetting to do so at the end because (mainly on DLR), there is no gate to exit through which serves as a reminder. For a while I thought maybe it operates on the honor system. You could potentially ride and never pay. Station attendants can request a ticket or Oyster card at any time though so not worth the risk. Later I also realized there are penalty charges involved. I think some fees for my forgetfulness ate up the pounds on my card pretty quickly.

8. London is more ethnically & culturally diverse than I expected. It was quite amazing. I saw blacks, whites, christians, muslims, asians, even Asian muslims cycling through life together. My AirBnB host was born in Bulgaria. My amazing airport Uber driver was born in Pakistan but had an English accent after 9 years of residence. I met a multitude of women from different nations at the Trailblazing Leadership conference. There were over 400 women in attendance from all over and I was the only American. It is always really lovely to see the globe represented any place I go.

9. People watching is universal good fun.

10. Google maps tells you what stop to get on and off at but never the direction to travel in. I never knew which side to stand on or which platform to be on. Every time I thought I knew…wrong lol. When in doubt, just ask.

11. Police can be approachable, friendly, helpful and harmless. Novel idea really. I could walk up to any of them and ask a question. They were literally always happy to help. I never had to feel intimidated though I still did a little bit but who can you really trust these days right? :\

12. Having staff at every train station to answer questions from tourists like myself is genius. I am convinced London is the most hospitable and accommodating city I have ever been to. If you look lost, they will ask how they can help you. They genuinely want to do their jobs well. Friendly doesn’t seem to have an expiration date.

13. Use the Thames River as home base. Almost every major viewing point in Central London is a short extension from the Thames. There is a gorgeous riverwalk and easy to find Tube underground lines or buses along the way.

14. The Underground Tube is mostly quiet. No one is asking for money, selling socks or yelling incoherent words & profanity on the platforms or trains. I enjoyed the change of pace.

15. Most of the men & women walking around in the city are in high-class business professional suits. I occasionally felt quite under-dressed. Some women were walking around in classic silhouette dresses with those cute hats we see for English weddings and such. Many men are in really fancy, nice suits. I saw one man with a top hat and coattails like I have only seen in movies. Where do these people work?

16. AirBnB makes traveling solo so much more enjoyable. My host was funny and cool. It reminded me of my days living with a host in Nicaragua. The level of quality care from a stranger really puts humanity in positive perspective.

17. Even when mean, Londoners sound nice. I went to the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace and there were people climbing on the gates so they could see better. The police kept saying, “Please don’t climb the gate. Thank You” and never got crass about it. They could have said, “Please don’t climb the palace gate or I’ll bash your effing head in. Thank you” in that English accent and it would have sounded just as pleasant I imagine.

18. The English accent makes regular sentences sound so full of drama. I enjoy listening to the English speak unless they have the Eliza Doolittle twang

19. Public transit elevators do not have to smell like urine or other abominable human waste.

20. The English love the F-word and I love hearing them say it. Consider it a guilty pleasure.

21. Don’t book an early flight on a Sunday morning. Don’t do it that is unless you’re ready to spend lots on an Uber or express train. I learned public transit doesn’t run as early on Sundays so I was almost stuck but Uber saved my life and got me to Heathrow in plenty of time.

22. Bring shoes that make sense to walk around the city in. A great way to see the city of London is by foot so stay smart and keep the shoes comfy so you can enjoy exploring.

23. The children naturally sound incredibly intelligent because of that English accent. Unless they sound like My Fair Lady. See number 18.

24. My English inspired vocab replacements are as follows: Brilliant! (over awesome), biscuit (over cookie), loo or toilet (over bathroom), rubbish (over trash), bloody, proper, surname (over last name), piss off (over leave me alone), queue (over line) and diversion (over reroute).

25. People are beautiful all around the globe. I was fortunate enough to spend time at a Trailblazing Leadership conference for 2 days with over 400 women. We had great, meaningful conversations about our goals, dreams and fears among other things. It was wonderful to be in a room full of women to both cheer and challenge other women along. I was fortunate enough to develop some good connections out of that. The Internet makes it almost effortless to keep connected with new friends around the world. The important thing is to make the effort. I learned from and shared personal stories with strangers that made us not so strange to each other any more. When we get to the core of things, we’re not so different — you and I. I love when I catch glimpses of the mountaintop Dr. King always spoke about.

I would definitely live there if given the opportunity. Regardless, I will for sure be back to visit. Thanks London for making me feel at home.

Netflix Binging is the New Black: What the Ladies of Litchfield Taught me about Community

Somebody once told me two important truths: Everybody has been hurt. Everybody wants to be loved.

We all want to belong or be loved. Unfortunately, some even chase those who will lie, hurt or manipulate to offer a false sense of acceptance. No matter where you go in the world, people want to belong — even those who claim they prefer to reject everyone. People who reject community have often times been hurt by it in some way.

I actually have no problem being alone. I enjoy it most of the time even though a lot of people do not understand it. That is just part of my personality but the joy I get from doing things solo is satisfying because I know I am part of something bigger. I have a community to go to at any time to recharge that energy I need too.

For those who have decided to opt-out or have yet to opt-in to the cult Netflix following of Orange Is The New Black, here is a quick – no justice given – summary:

The OITNB story all started with Piper Chapman, an upper middle-class female who self-surrendered after being named 2 years short on a statute of limitations for trafficking cash one time for an international drug ring. She was sentenced to 15 months. Chapman leaves her cushy life for an orange jumpsuit, bad food, no privacy and a wild & crazy community of women starting and finishing their own prison sentences in Litchfield.

Season 3 was just released late Thursday as a surprise for OITNB fans who had already planned to binge watch over the weekend when the series dropped on its planned Friday release.

There is a great combo of things that keep this show interesting. There are race issues and life issues and times where the ladies of Litchfield must ALL work together for common goals like the privilege of having a Mother’s Day prison celebration to kick off season 3.

Don’t get me wrong, every season of this show is definitely Rated R but if you can handle it, grab your snacks and go for it. Despite the crude language and scenes of sex and/or violence, it represents a lot of real life emotion.

The ladies look out for each other. They treat each other like family. They also have times where someone in their circle makes them angry enough to seek revenge or ignore them altogether.

We see the complicated and complex situations inside and outside the prison lives that these women deal with. Being ignored, abandoned, abused, used by their parents or lovers or themselves which contributed to their lives falling apart.

We also see those who were loved and supported by those on the outside but led to a life behind bars anyhow. We see how everyone seeks to belong even inside prison which offers them a warped version of community but a way to belong nonetheless.

Without giving anything away, this season dives deeper than ever into the emotional side of these women’s lives. We learn more about the characters former lives and how it impacts their current lives. We start seeing them even more as humans instead of criminals and I appreciate that. On this side of the prison wall, most of us are generally not shanking people or wishing to beat someone with a sock full of quarters like is occasionally a threat on the show. But if we are honest, we have our own ways of either accepting or isolating those around us.

Community is necessary and amazing but it can be messy at times. I am part of a community at work, in my family, with my friends, by living in my city. OITNB shows there is beauty and ugly in community. Characters who would have never spoken are working together and communicating. You may feel it is tough to trust people in this world. I have felt that way at times but am so grateful I have met people I can trust.  Community is everywhere and it cannot be escaped. It will never be perfect but we need community for support, love and accountability. We need people who have our backs and we also need those people to call us out when we lose sight of ourselves.

Would you agree community is important? What have you learned from some of the work, friend, family, life communities that you are part of?

A Tale of Two Cities: What 800 miles apart has taught me about Love

I’m in a long-distance relationship. A lot of people say,“Isn’t that hard?” Well in short, Yes! Ha-ha but not for the reasons people often think. It also isn’t tough every day like many assume. I have discovered so much joy in my long-distance relationship. The joys far outweigh anything else. It has taught me a lot about who I am and what I want in this life as I journey alongside who I want.

Here are 6 things I have learned in love from my long-distance relationship.

1. Every visit is special

Every trip, every flight. When we can spend weeks with each other it’s wonderful but if all we have is 2-3 days, it is just as meaningful. A lot of couples take for granted the simple pleasures like holding hands or grabbing dinner together any night of the week. One of my favorite things in this world is that butterfly feeling when the wheels of our flight touch down in the other person’s city — Universal symbol for Thank God I can use my cell phone again. All the time apart up to that point is forgotten. Grabbing luggage and searching for one another in the airport and finally making eye contact. There is a smile exchange at the exact time everyone else fades away. I know better than anyone goodbyes are hard but worth it when thinking of the butterflies that are eager for the next flight to touch down. Sure, Distance makes the heart grow fonder but when you spend time together, be present.

2. Communication is necessary but not required every second 

We live in different states, rise and sleep in different time zones and lead different lives. And that’s okay! Love doesn’t mean being on the phone all day, every day though it is important to communicate.

In some relationships there is irrational fear that ‘If I’m not in their face every moment or reminding them to think of me, they won’t’. Some of that stems from low self-esteem and if you find yourself feeling this way, maybe that person isn’t for you. A person who loves you will love you whether they see you, hear from you daily or not. They will think of you often even when you don’t realize it.

When your person needs you, be there for them. If something is on your heart or mind, be sure to share it as soon as possible so things that need to be addressed don’t linger. It’s cool to let them know out of the blue that you’re thinking about them. Keep it simple. Love on them then let them go about their day. Both sides open up the chance for your better half to be vulnerable with you too whenever they please. So communicate of course but also give them space to miss you and catch you up on the parts of life you can’t be there for.

3. Support, Communicate Support, Actually be Supportive

When you do text, email, call, skype, visit with each other, the conversations should not be filled with to-dos or demands. Learn their love language and figure out what they need. Sometimes they want you to solve problems, sometimes they want you to just shut up and listen. My guy knows me so well I can’t hide being upset or stressed. I always laugh when he figures me out. Mutual support is everything. My loved one reminds me of my dreams and goals when I get discouraged. I do the same for him because I believe in him that much. We push and pull each other forward and celebrate each other along the way.

4. Trust & Respect the lover you chose

How you love is a reflection of who you are. Honor that.

5. We don’t go to bed angry

Fortunately we don’t argue about much but we are human so we do disagree every now and then. My boyfriend actually came up with this rule and I have grown to really value it. The important thing is to say what needs to be said, get it all out there and then figure it out together. We absolutely do not go to bed angry whether we are next to each other or across the country. This is about learning how to communicate, figure out what’s going on, resolve the misunderstanding and move forward.

6. Our Love is ours

Not our friends, family or community. What I mean by that is while it’s good to hear wisdom and it does not hurt to get advice (even those who provide it unsolicited), do not feel the need to listen to everyone who wants to add input on your relationship. There is also No need to broadcast all the details of your relationship to the world. Some people assume you go through what has been a struggle in their own relationship. Sometimes that does happen which is why it is good to have healthy couples who you can reach out to for advice. Sometimes though it isn’t about you reacting to another couple’s laundry list of issues, but instead you getting together with your love and figuring out your own things together. And if it ain’t broke, don’t break it. If anything is broke though and you need third party assistance, consider relationship counseling.

Sometimes long-distance or any relationship is as hard as you make it. Long distance relationships are not for everyone. It takes strength and dedication. But honestly, in my opinion, the effort it takes to make a long-distance relationship like mine work should be the same effort put into a relationships with someone you see everyday. If my boyfriend and I ever live in the same city, I want the list of things I have learned to still be present, even more so.

My point is the principles  are the same, whatever the distance between you and your love. There are some basic, foundational things that have to exist in a relationship in order to make it work. It has to be true for both sides involved in order for it work. I have married friends who use the hashtag #datingmyhusband or #datingmywife and I love that because it puts intention to not lose the magic and spark.

I love that people know it’s genuine for me and my boyfriend when they see us together. What means even more than that to me is our relationship actually being genuine even when no one is watching. I encourage you to strive for the relationship no one else needs to validate.

Growing together through good news and bad news, smiles and arguments is how love gets stronger between people who sleep 2 feet or 800 miles apart. If we can be on the same page, so can you.

What has your relationship taught you about love?

Dream, Plan, Go: Why your goals need you to make moves now

In two weeks, I board a plane to Europe. It is more than just vacation, it is an investment in myself. I think that may be the coolest part. For my very first trip to London, I am taking on a personal and professional development opportunity with other women from all over the world.

I applied for & received a scholarship to attend the Trailblazing Leadership conference for women in London, England in June of 2015. My attendance at the conference was covered but I needed to cover travel and accomodations. If a hopeful, young Chicago woman like myself wanted to go to London & be forever changed by this dynamic and influential experience, I needed financial help getting there.

The conference is being hosted by Dr. Sam Collins, Founder & Director of the Aspire Foundation. I attended the “International Women’s Day Trailblazing Leadership” webinar hosted by Dr. Collins in early March of this year. I created a vision board for the first time this year. One of my visions for my personal and professional life was to establish a lifestyle blog to help individuals be the best versions of themselves because I have learned we are worthy of the best life has to offer…in all aspects of our personal and professional lives. So I loved the trailblazing webinar and felt motivated and inspired to further achieve my personal & professional vision. I live-tweeted the webinar, virtually connected with inspiring women around the world and applied for an opportunity to attend the conference. I received notice April 1 that my application was selected and I was awarded a scholarship to attend. I was thrilled to receive the news of course but then began the brainstorm for funding my trip so I could attend, be safe and bring my leadership back to my life and various communities in Chicago.

At this upcoming Aspire ‘Trailblazing Leadership’ conference, I can celebrate the inspiration, support and strength that women give to others around the world. I can share ideas, network and learn. It is an opportunity to highlight the power and strength of women, like myself, to be dynamic leaders in this world.

By attending I will:

1. Gain practical tools and ideas to achieve my biggest aspirations for life, work and the world.

2. Think bigger, vision even bigger and go for it – overcoming obstacles and fear.

3. Be inspired by like-minded women leaders and increase the visibility of inspiring women around the world.

4. Evolve my skills as an intrapreneur (entrepreneurial mindset inside my organization), entrepreneur (within my own business) and altrupreneur (in a charity or social business).

5. Learn how to stand my ground and have a voice at the leadership table at any age, level or background.

6. Network and share best practices among women globally.

I realize more and more that being myself, standing out and wanting to make a difference is fundamental to success. I want to be an authentic and real role model for the next generation, empowering and supporting women and men around the world.

I am making a dream into reality. But it didn’t just happen. Sometimes we want what we want the easy way but things worth having in life don’t always come or stay easy. The things worth having will challenge you, expand your mind, encourage your growth and demand action out of you.

And just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s bad either. It just means if it is worth the work, you will put in work for it — love, family, your personal health & happiness, career, spirituality, etc.

I have not always put that “it may not be easy but it will be worth it” philosophy into practice right away. When it came to London, I was excited to have the opportunity then immediately put myself under stress and pressure. How was I going to make this happen?? I wanted to go but wanting to go would not purchase my plane ticket or do the research I needed to plan the trip. I had to take action. I had to ask for help and accept the help offered. I had to make moves.

I took advice on cheap but safe accomodations and booked my first AirBnB. I signed up for airfare watch websites to find the cheapest direct flight possible. My friends helped me search for flight deals. I created a GoFundMe account, after a friend’s suggestion and was able to raise money to help me afford this trip I would have otherwise not been able to afford. I stopped being shy and started telling people about my goal and they wanted to help me. It has been the most affirming yet humbling experience.

On the scholarship application, I answered a question about what I hoped to get out of attending the conference I discussed this blog that I had not yet created. I talked about creating this blog, gaining ground on my vision and learning from the experiences, challenges, obstacles and triumphs of the individuals I will meet in a few weeks.

I have been unsure for too long on how I would make my dreams come true instead of wait for them to come true. Though still finding strength in my voice, now that I am at least speaking up, it feels amazing to have people affirm my vision. The late and great Maya Angelou said, “Nothing will work unless you do.” It is a supreme truth and I’m a believer in it.

What dreams and goals do you need to make a move on?

The best, most challenging thing you will ever give up

I saw Billy Elliot the Musical last night so the soundtrack notes are still pretty fresh in my head. There were lots of plot points in the story line that do not relate to me. I have never been part of a coal miners strike or desired a career in boxing or ballet but the general “Be You” theme that resonates throughout the telling of Billy’s story was great. If you are unfamiliar with the story, Billy Elliot is a kid who decides he would rather join ballet over boxing. His dad, a hardcore coal miner challenged by workplace union issues, is VERY resistant at first until he realizes how dedicated his son is to this path.

The greatest life lesson Billy Elliot the Musical reinforced for me was the importance of individuality. They even had a song about it. That leads me to the best, most challenging thing you will ever give up…the comparison effect.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Sounds so easy right? Well if it were easy, everyone would do it. I know I would but I don’t always. I made a decision months ago to intentionally minimize the comparisons. I still have to coach myself occasionally that I am pretty damn great as I am. The only person I need to compete with is me. Not in a “I am never content or I’m my worst enemy” kind of way but instead to be steadily progressing myself.

You have to give yourself space to be yourself. Give up on being someone else or trying to be like them. Maybe it sounds ridiculous that this could be an issue but that is what it is.

Social media can be a comparison trap that way. Can’t it? Then I gained new perspective on it. I realized that social media is in many ways a chance to put out what we want the world to see. We control the narrative so people show the fab vacays, flawless selfies, best assets, expensive purchases and happy times (mostly). I found myself comparing myself to people I know but in many other cases, people I didn’t know well or didn’t know at all.

Balance of the internet and real world doesn’t always happen. Though not always the case, in many ways life online is like our own version of reality tv. What happens when you know people are watching? It would be crazy not to believe some things our tv housewives, survivors, bachelors and Kardashians have to say aren’t at least a little motivated by the public involvement of others. Which is why it is not fair for you and me to make the comparisons to them or the non-celebs in your life that you secretly admire. And jealousy is just a bizarre form of admiration.

Reminding yourself that ‘being you is okay’ is so important. A great way to maintain balance is to keep up with your friends, family and significant other relationships offline with the care that people use in posting online. Also actually be authentic online even if you just make happy posts. Be the same person on-screen and off.

My personal privacy policy has always been strict but that changes whenever I recognize people in my life who love who I am. They can handle that I am sometimes loud or sometimes quiet or usually sarcastic or an introvert and always a nerd.

I also began to invest more attention in learning who I am, how I am, how I like to communicate, what my love language is, what being a Sagittarius means for me, what my personality type is, what my weaknesses are, what my strengths are and many other things. I should not have to explain why I am the way I am but occasionally people do not understand my differences. I talk when I have something to say. I struggle with expressing myself out loud. I am internally really happy. I get extremely annoyed at rude people. Laughing is my favorite. I smile a lot but get mad sometimes too. I am a curious person that listens intently and questions a lot. Although I also do have bad days, I do not like overwhelmingly negative/dramatic people in my personal space. No shade. I just prefer sunshine over here.

We all get sick quick of the people who make it seem like everyday is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My mantras are… Give unto others only what you can afford to reap in karma. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle. Be better to the world than it is to you. Live out good energy and Give good vibes. All solid, tweetable tips to live by.

It takes 21 days to make something a habit. My challenge to you is…Don’t compare yourself to anyone for a week then take it from there for another 7 days. Then another 7 after that. If that means you take a break from your fave sources of online energy, so be it. If you do not know and believe in yourself, no one else is going to. Be you, not anyone else.

How do you practice your individuality?

Be Prepared: My 3 step De-Stress Bucket List

I am big into memes these days because they often articulate the expression or way I would say things. I find myself just nodding and saying….yesss that’s exactly it. My favorite meme these days is the one that says “When I get a blocked nose I fully sit and think about times when my nose wasn’t blocked and how I took it for granted.” I can relate because every time I get sick, I think like this. Has it ever happened to you?

When life is good we typically don’t think of how we could have done things differently or better. When days are full of positive things and everything seems to fall into place or be in order, we hardly stop and say, I should have prepared better for this!

In a strange way, the idea of that ‘stuffy nose’ meme became the inspiration for my post. Thanks to two great Hollywood actors this idea of a bucket list came to life in a movie a few years ago. It is a list of things you may not have done before but want to do. I think nothing could be better than a list for managing stress in a way you have always wanted to but never have before.

No one has perfect days every day. You know that right? Bad days come, stress comes but until it hits, we don’t think about it.  Here are 3 ways you can take on a rough day when it comes your way.

1. Stay ready so you waste less time getting ready

We cannot control what comes our way sometimes but we can control how we react to it. We can minimize stress by watching our own words and actions. Maybe the British army was onto something with their adage, Proper Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. That can mean at the slightest indication a rough day is on its way, keep it at a stream before it becomes an ocean. We don’t get any practice days in this life. We are living life in real-time so it is important to remember the clock only rolls forward, not back. None of us will get to relive a single day in 2015 no matter what. Prepare for each day as though that will be its only entry in your life’s history book.

2. Pay attention to times when your stress usually hits

Know the frequent occurences and make changes accordingly. Does your eye start twitching more or your hair start to fall out a little when so-and-so spends more time than usual around you? Is there a peak busy time at work that happens the same time every year that makes you think about a new career? Pinpoint if there is a predictable meltdown point that you can prepare yourself for better. If you occasionally procrastinate and feel the stress of a looming deadline at work, what about breaking up that project to do a little at a time and eliminate the major meltdown this year?

I remember at a former job we used to plan a major event every year. The project manager for a few years would get so overwhelmed with stress because their planning did not start until the last-minute. So everything was done in the 11th hour and we all felt the pressure. Each year we felt an intense level of stress. A lot of restless nights. It wasn’t fun and everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the event was over. One year someone else took the reigns and gave us a timeline with checkpoints over a couple of months instead of days. We met regularly to check in with each other, we addressed past mistakes and implemented new ideas to make the event better. We finally had no reason to be stressed because we properly prepared and the event was fabulous.That year of change, we were still so nervous it would be a disaster because we ACTUALLY had everything in place weeks earlier than in previous years. We were sure we must have overlooked something. We had free time we didn’t know what to do with. All along we had thought stress was just part of the event like it was written into the agenda. In the end we realized it did not have to be that way.

Life doesn’t have to be that way for you either. Which brings me to my final tip to de-stress your life.

3. Create calm in your life

What helps calm you down? I will share a few things that help me. First off, music is a powerful communicator. Spotify, Pandora, iTunes, Indie artists downloaded on my phone. There is a song for every way I feel. Music delivers and evokes a lot of good emotion. Some moods are an excellent excuse to press play on my favorite tracks to give me that peace of mind I need.

I am also a bit of a yogi. I began practicing a few years ago and it is one of my favorite things to do. Yoga is perfect for my introvert spirit. It is about a sense of quiet strength. There is no need to be loud. It is a reflection within…introspection. Yoga is about balance and breathing and connectedness for you. It is an incredibly peaceful and relaxing process. It is also not always easy which is part of what makes it great. It challenges you without breaking you. One day I had a vicious headache after a stressful day. I did a 15 minute yoga session in my living room. I turned on a YouTube video, put my phone on silent, uncurled my mat across the floor, physically turned my lights down to symbolically quiet the intensity of that day. My headache disappeared after that because I gave myself 15 minutes to be. I gave myself 15 minutes for just me.

It can be anything you need to create your calm. Light candles around the house or take a walk around the block or soak up some sun on your patio or spend time every week doing something creative like I do on Sunday while writing my blog.

Whatever simple thing makes you most happy and helps you de-stress to feel most at peace, do that. Do it for you. Your body and mind will be grateful.

How do you de-stress? What is your favorite way to de-stress?

The moment I knew I became my mother (and 6 habits I picked up as a result)

In college, I became incredibly self-aware. One day I woke up and I was sitting in a hustling, bustling cafeteria full of college students. The biggest difference between me and them was I was reading newspapers. Not online articles or 140-character headline tweets but full-length, hard copies of the Chicago Tribune & Wall Street Journal. I got a lot of funny looks when people asked if it was for a class and I replied, “No, I just enjoy knowing what is happening in the world.” In high school and college it can be easy to think the only world that is relevant is your day-to-day world. Those days I also began to enjoy watching the news and hosting lively discussions around current events. All of these were things I used to tease my parents about. “Mom, that’s stuff old people do.” But as a late teen, here I was falling into the trap of becoming an adult. I was my mom.

The silver lining was becoming my mom wasn’t a bad thing at all. Here are 6 other lessons and habits she taught me that I didn’t even resist learning.

1. Avoid touching anything in public restrooms.

Don’t sit on the seat. You can squat but don’t make contact. Don’t flush the handle with a bare hand. Use tissue or your foot. You just never know the extent of germs present in public restrooms but they are present. Who did what and where? It is enough to drive you crazy. Just follow this rule and don’t think about the germs. It even seems a engineering boardroom of mothers thought the same thing as most modern restrooms are full of hands-free amenities nowadays. You will stay healthier in the long run. Trust me.

2. Let people know where you are. 

It is an important safety precaution. I became the friend who tells everyone to let me know they made it home safely. Some friends respond “Okay mom” jokingly but I’m being serious.  We don’t play about safety in this house. Even though I pay attention to my surroundings, have trustworthy friends and avoid crazies, it does me no harm to send a quick text or make a quick call to say where I will be and with whom.

3. You are never too old to get put in your place by a good mama.

Even the viral video mom in Baltimore who went off after finding her teenage son on the streets throwing rocks at police is evidence (for better or worse). I will bet she did not care who was watching or how old he was. For me, I remember I got spanked one time when I was a kid for deliberately doing something I was specifically told not to do just hours earlier. I gave away all my birthday money for my friends to buy candy at school. I learned a valuable lesson that day in the form of — don’t test the waters when mom is being serious. I agree with her decision looking back on it but am glad those whooping days are long gone. I am good friends with my mom more and more as I get older as a result of her parenting skills. We know how to communicate with each other and get on the same page. Other than my sarcastic mouth, I do not get in trouble much anymore but my mom has no problem verbally reminding me even now, “Hey, don’t forget who’s the parent here.”

4. No matter how old you get, you will never stop being her baby so it is best not to fight it.

I spent a decent portion of my teenage years unsure of my mom’s intelligence. Mind you, she is incredibly intelligent but as a kid I didn’t always believe it. I thought I was the clear-cut genius and like Will Smith taught us, Parents just don’t understand. When I went to college and saw first-hand how others were raised and how we were often different in the way we saw, understood and participated in the world, I finally realized how smart my mom really was. Who knew!?

She taught me the foundation of loving people and treating them with respect my whole life. It always amazes me how many people in this world have NOT been taught that or learned it. The right mindset breeds maturity. I was fortunate enough to have a mom be strict enough to show me good standards and values so I would not learn the wrong ones. It also helped her trust me more than worry about me when I came to her with things like the news that I was moving to Central America for 4 months. I will forever be my mother’s daughter and I am grateful for that.

5. You are fully capable of doing things on your own.

At some point when I got older, mom said to my sisters and I, “You’re old enough to cook for yourselves, I’m done.” Ha, good thing for us, my dad loves to cook and so does one of my sisters. They make phenomenal dishes so I usually still let them do most of the work. Even though I did miss mom’s famous wonton meals, such a declaration taught me a lesson in independence. She encouraged me to live on my own before I would ever get married and live with someone else. What I have learned about independence from experiences on my own certainly informs the level of partnership I bring to my relationship. It reminds me there is strength in walking beside the man I love or walking alone occasionally because I also love myself.

6. Pay attention to her while she is here.

My grandmothers are both gone from this earth. I get really sad when I think about that sometimes. There are more questions I wanted to ask. More I wanted to learn from them. Earlier this year I was introduced to an app called StoryCorps. You can record and share the stories of those around you. You choose someone to interview, pick questions and record.

So just recently I interviewed my mom using this app and asked her questions about what she has learned in life, her goals, how life is different than she thought it would be. I got to learn a few new things about her and keep those lessons on a recording I can have forever. I told her this will be the first interview of many. It serves a few key purposes. I get to bond with her on a new level and get to capture her humor and wisdom just in case if she is not here when I am well past 100.

Though we still have many years to go, thanks mom for the lessons so far.

What has your mom taught you?

How to Keep your Closet in Order and your Style on Point

I love second-hand clothes. I would say I am a certified thrifter. I also accept any of my friends or sister’s hand-me-downs that I think I can fit into. I have always kind of operated on the belief that I can make something out of anything I am given. Thus every now and then when I have said yes too much, I end up with a closet full of items that don’t serve me. Maybe you have not been in the exact same scenario but you may struggle with either a closet of too much or too little. I run into both sides of the spectrum. I have an affinity for collecting or purchasing thrift clothes then when I start to pare down my wardrobe, I feel I don’t have anything to wear. So I wanted to share some tips on how I deal with it.

Here are 3 ways to keep your closet in order and your style on point.

1. Wear each item you own at least 1 time this year.

An easy way to do that is start from one end of your closet and go all the way to the other, creating a new outfit for each piece. It will make getting dressed for the day easier, trust me. We all typically do that thing where we go for our favorites and skip over everything else. No more of that. Trying this way will give you a chance to assess every piece in your closet. You kind of have to treat your closet like stores do their merchandise. When pieces are no longer of value, they get discounted until they are either purchased or removed. Stores do not keep items on their shelves forever and neither should you.

If you have the time to take inventory on everything at once, great! If not, just do a piece a day until you have gone through everything. I mean belts, shoes, tops, pants, jackets, skirts, shorts, jewelry, accessories…EVERYTHING. It will feel good when done because now you know what you’re working with.

If the item has been around so long you’re not sure what it even looks like on you anymore, pull out the full length mirror and try it on. Pretend like you’re shopping in your favorite store and trying on something for the first time. You should know within seconds if you want to keep it or toss it. Ask questions like “How does it feel? What did I first think when I looked in the mirror? Does it fit right? Would I wear this in public? SHOULD I wear this in public?

Every time I get into the habit of wearing each item as least once, I have people compliment my outfits. I rarely go on shopping sprees so they are complimenting me on things that have usually been sitting in my closet for months or years. Honestly, if I have an item that I keep on passing over because I can never seem to figure out what to do with it (or I secretly don’t like it but feel bad getting rid of it) and it hasn’t left its spot in a year, I either donate it or throw it out. There is a reason it sits there year after year.

 2. Do a close friend Clothing Swap Party

I love this idea. Ladies and gents can both do it. You can plan an easy get-together with a handful of friends. If you would rather just drop your items off at your local Goodwill or Salvation Army, cool. If you want to get a little more social about it, truly take on the idea of encouraging your close friends to go through their closets too. Share this blog post with them. Make it fun. Have good music, grab a beer or glass of wine, eat good snacks and catch up with your friends in the process. Encourage others to host their own parties by sharing pics on your social media pages. Make it a thing. It is a chance to finally get rid of pieces you don’t need. It also turns this spring cleaning idea from something people dread to something you can look forward to every season or every year.

Tell everyone to bring their plastic bin or plastic bag full of clothes destined for goodwill. You can make free swaps outright or take the idea further and each person charge between 25 cents to $1 or something reasonable for each item. The money collected at the end of the night can be used to buy everyone a scoop of ice cream or if you’re really into changing the world it can be donated to a charity everyone loves.

The Clothing Swap Party gives you a chance to finally have access to some of the gems you always wanted from your friend’s closet. It also makes room for new clothes you may want to purchase from your favorite store in the near future. During the party, you can even include a mini fashion show with your friends and get inspired by new outfit ideas. The next day, one person can take any leftover items to the local thrift shop donation drop.

I will never forget the day my mom gave me a pair of shoes she had held onto since the 70s. In her mind they were outdated. In mine they were gold. They were wood clog heels, brown leather design on top with an ankle strap, clearly a decade piece that could not be easily replicated even by the greatest fashion designer today. Buying a shoe like that today could easily cost two to three times as much. I loved those shoes so much and wore them out. The leather really began to fade. I walk hard so the heel began to get worn down. Eventually the holes to make the shoe strap tight became just one, the strap became weak and eventually broke. I was so upset because I loved those shoes and I paid $0 for them. I knew my window for wearing them had just draw itself shut.

Which brings me to my third and final point, know when to…

3. Let It Go

Sometimes sending things to the trash is acceptable. Thrift stores and charities ask for new or gently used items for a reason. No one wants what has been damaged or destroyed or broken or really used. I threw moms heels away but eventually got other shoes that became favorites.

Just last week I finally tossed my fave Steve Madden flats. It was beyond time for that. Here’s when I knew all hope had been lost on keeping them. Over a few months I began to notice the glue was getting weak in the right shoe. My foot was starting to protrude against the fabric but I clearly wasn’t ready to let go so I kept wearing them. Then the glue gave way and it was obvious so one day I had this not so bright idea to use my hot glue gun to put the shoe fabric back together. I used too much on the stitches and if you know anything about craft store hot glue, it dries hard. My toes were aching every time I put the shoe on, trying to keep a straight face at work. Some may ask why I didn’t just take them to a shoe repair shop. I happen to know myself well enough to know that would never have happened. I would have been too lazy to make the effort then the shoes would have sat in my closet for an eternity because I just didn’t want to let go. Last week, I threw them away with sadness because they were great while they lasted yet relief because now they’re not just around taking up space.

I have a few other shoes now that I’m like that with. “Once I break them in, it won’t hurt anymore.” Well no, because they were a size too small to begin with but they were cheap and cute so I got them. Meanwhile they never leave the house because I can’t walk more than a couple of hours without being in crazy pain. I never use them and I won’t miss them when they’re gone. Plus now I have an extra space to fill with something I do like and will use! Actually, as soon as I wrote my draft notes for this post, I went in my closet and threw those shoes in my donation bag by the door. Do you have a shoe, an outfit or several that you feel the same way about? What are you ready to let go of?

Maybe your closet is not overflowing. Have you ever work up like…I have nothing to wear! Or stood in your closet wishing for a whole new wardrobe?

I am a strong believer in working with what you have because you probably have more than enough. Sometimes it just may take some creativity on your part to try something different with what you already have. This goes back to my first point. Use what you have. Consider getting out of your old habit of pairing the same pants and shirts together every week. My office environment is business professional so to mix up my outfits I sometimes take a dress, put a pencil skirt over it to get a new silhouette. Now I have a whole new outfit.

Fashion trends cycle. We all know that right? How many times have you seen aviators, boat shoes, high-waisted pants, combat boots, colored or distressed jeans come back in style? It truly is a cycle and your style shouldn’t feel the need to follow many of the rules fashion dictates. I say wear what you want to wear as long as it makes sense to you. Your style should be about you, not other people as much because they will have opinions regardless.

Style evolves by learning what you want or don’t want. You get inspired by seeing what other people wear and figuring out what you like and what you want your style to say. Style can evolve with age or income too. If you understand anything about branding, you may realize what you wear is part of your personal brand. Not that what others think of your style should solely influence what you wear but you determine how you want to be represented.

Your style is part of your resume to the world before you’ve had a chance to speak. Being clued in on who you are helps you understand how the way you dress can affect the way others react to you. You can express who you are through what you wear. Confidence is key here because people judge. That’s what people do and whether it’s fair or not is not the point but because you know they judge, it is important to be conscious of how you want to represent yourself to the world. Style has a decent amount of influence on how you’re perceived so my last piece of advice is know you are and dress accordingly.

Which of the 3 tips will you try this week? I want to hear your progress and how this post helped you get your style or closet in order. If you have any questions along the way, be sure to write me in the comments section.

A glorious mess of Mission Statements and Vision Boards

“The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both.” – James A. Michener

In 2012, I created a personal mission statement. Have you ever thought of doing such a thing? I originally got the idea long before 2012 from a church boy I knew. He carried it around in his wallet to remind him of his goals and values whenever he needed to make a decision concerning his life. It was a sort-of GPS to keep oneself on track. The idea works the same as business mission statements. I thought it was such a good idea but of course I didn’t do it right away. I wasn’t even sure where to begin. In 2012, one of my favorite bloggers, Rosetta Thurman of HappyBlackWoman.com, broke it down. I just had to list my values, the things I appreciate, who I really am and what I want to do on this earth. The great thing about creating a personal mission statement is that it can change and evolve as you do. It can also be as long or short as you want. Mine is long.

My personal mission statement says: “I value education, love, community, God, public service, creativity and diversity. I truly appreciate laughter, good food, music and poetry in my life. I value my independence and love for myself and others. In my time on this earth, I want to make a positive impact on the world for young people, women and people of color. I am a leader, Christian and woman of color who will use my life to help others work on their self-image and advancement. In my consulting efforts to guide others towards confidence and independence. I will also continue to reflect on my use of wisdom, integrity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, compassion and self-control in doing so. I will not ignore my own family, friends, finances, health or spirit. I will give my loved ones the authentic love and respect I would ask them to have for me. I will remember that my actions are just as important as my words and live accordingly.”

In 2014, I sat through a life-changing personal development seminar. During that seminar I created a personal vision around my finances (Be debt free from student loans and credit cards), my fitness (Practice self-care and stay fit as I age), my family (Be a more active family member), my friends (Be a more active friend), my work (Future goals to own a magazine and run a television network around the themes of my current blog) and my fun (Have more fun by living intentionally). I attached SMART goals and tasks to each which I am sure I will discuss in a future blog post. I also told my closest friends and family about it in order to hold myself accountable. I was planting the seed for what has come this year.

In January 2015, inspired by Essence Magazine, I created my first physical vision board. I clipped images and words around travel, relationships, rest, leadership, women I admire, empowerment and fun among many other things. Ever since I created that vision board and put it up inside the cabinets of my bathroom mirrors, I have seen so many more of those goals happen. It sounds like magic but I’m serious, it works. It creates a secret drive inside you to look for opportunities to make those things happen. For example, in April 2015 I found out I was a recipient of the Aspire Foundation scholarship that I applied for after seeing a dynamic webinar by their foundation on Trailblazing leadership. Come June 2015, I will be attending their Trailblazing Leadership conference for women being held in London, England! That alone achieves several of the goals I had on my vision board. It is truly amazing.

Fast forward to today, I have been inspired by so many of my experiences to write this blog. I have been driven by what I have learned about myself through mission statements and vision boards. I have arrived at a new exhilarating experience moving forward to fulfill these visions that I have been developing and editing over the years. I am writing my blog away from dreams and drafts into reality. I am investing in myself and giving up on all my familiar excuses. What tired excuse is it time for you to let go of?

My new mantra: Don’t think so hard while trying to master the art of living well. I welcome you to untangle your life with me.

What personal or professional vision do you want to come alive in your life?

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